Terrible traffic jams these days in this Third World dump they call a city. So many of these brown natives blocking the way to our embassy, most of which (Rule book 30, rule 32: use 'whom' for humans, 'which' for other creatures) can't drive. It wears your nerves down I tell ya, so, since we are, after all, bringing progress to these backwaters, (never mind siphoning away all their oil, gas and other natural minerals etc reserves), we decided we deserved a break.
Had a few bombs planted here and there, blamed it on them fundoes, or al-Qaeda, whatever and the way is as good as cleared, for a few weeks at least. All we do is then call the governees, (the governing bodies), tell them that we are not safe etc, throw our weight about, subtle hints to aid etc. Yank the strings and them traffic police cooperate in having the roads made safe for us.
(We weren't called Yankees for nothing- did it throughout history, back from the time of the ol' Red Indians, yanked their lands too.) Well, we have the murderer Blue Beard's blood, don't we? Back from the times Old grand dad and mom came in convict ships across them seas. Anyhow, what if a few lives are killed in the blasts, these natives breed like insects. It is nice not to have the roar of the traffic around you, so what if the rest of the city has to meander about like ants to find their way! We are the Big Brother aren't we- the protectors of the world.
So we thought, "Hey! them natives need some civilizing lessons. What's all this nonsense of "Jihad" and "Shaheed" and After-life, (Paradise seems so yawningly blasé, the real life is this one on earth, and the real god is, don't ya know? Mammon i.e. money, i.e. oil) And, well, their Holy Book also critises us. All those references of Jews and Christians not being your true friends. Now, how dare god say that, even though we could never consider underlings our friends, but we are too polished to say that aloud y'know. So let's change that too." (Hmm! wonder if we should wipe out all references to The Croosades and the Spanish Inquisition, where Christians nearly wiped out the entire Muslim population, needs a rethink there)
Here we are bringing progress (Rule Book 32, rule 32: Progress = code word for "enslavement"), we cant have them being told the truth about our motives and intentions. Imagine young minds being told to be wary of us just because we want to enslave them. And being taught about killing (Rule Book 2, rule 3: Only us can kill) and dying for a cause, (Rule Book 3, rule 5: Only dying for the USA is valid) and all that. No wonder all of them want to fight and there is so much suicide bombing! They should just allow us to rule them and kill them and take over their territories, as we wish. Why on earth do they want to resist us, the imbeciles, when we are superior and they will be better off as our slaves? So, if all these references to the Next Life and fighting and our true motives are destroyed then they will give-in passively, willingly.
See, we will bring them the Telly, to watch transfixed, in vegetable-like state. With sex and violence so that it fills their empty unemployed hours, after we've destroyed their economy, corrupting their minds. It'll also give them something to do, for you act as you see. The many unemployed will, in their hours of frustration, act out whatever they see on TV. (Rule Book 1, rule 23: Violence on TV or elsewhere is OK as long as it's not against us.)
Then, of course we also have to provide them with the means to enact their fantasies--- arms. Now we aren't the world's biggest supplier and manyoofacturer of arms fer nothing. I mean, of course we are a peaceful nation (Rule Book 1, rule 12: Only us and our doggies have the right to have and manufacture weapons, all other countries are proliferators, traitors of humanity and terrorists).
I mean, how dare they deny us the right of taking over their areas by resistance, I declare! We are the biggest arms manufacturers, and possessors and suppliers (to our friends, while they are our friends, like Saddam and Osama, not afterwards) only because we have so many enemies. Now I wonder why so many people hate us? I mean, all we want is world-dominance, what would underlings do with wealth, education, or any forms of rights. Those things were created for us, for we were born to rule, they, the underlings, are better off without them.
So, once their minds are messed up, by gruesome killings and murders, we will provide them with the arms (paid for by drugs- to supply our other side-business of drug smuggling) to enact their fancies. Involve them in crime, racketeering, civil strife etc so that they are kept busy while the wheels of our arms factories are kept turning providing them with yet more arms, on both feuding sides. Churning out profits for us.
Of course, there are things like drugs and all kinds of negative distractions such as computer games, videos and the culture of designer clothes and junk food, to entangle their youth. To suck up their energies and 'anesthesiaze' them, rendering them incapable of any action, so that future generations are destroyed. (The best way to destroy a country's identity and thoughts is by destroying their culture, for when your traditional way of eating, living is changed what else is there left to take over.) These will be won over easily to our side by the celluloid visions of the good life, our version of the western paradise, so they will easily lay down their lives for our cause, (now that's allowed).
And then there is their poet Allama Iqbal to be got rid of. Now how dare he tell them Muslims to be proud of their heritage and not look to the West. Off with his head. Oh! He is dead, well then strike him off the course books. Gee! Lets destroy all of them mosques and universities too, so they don't know of their own civilization's greatness. I'm sure it was us who built their mosques for them, how dare they have such monuments, when us don't. Off with their heads!
They should instead read about our illustrious writers and thinkers and statesmen and visit their sites, why waste time on their own sad lot?
Now our cousins, the Brits were a bit dated. You don't need to always rule through physical presence, a cultural invasion, controlling minds through the medias, is enough. And of course, just throw your weight about or the weight of a few bombers and that's enough.
Our Paki-governees (Rule Book: governees = pawns or governing body of local country) will do the needful.
Now we are the most tolerant nation in the world. Why should they not be like us? It was the others who couldn't live with us, as our slaves. Too bad for 'em. Them Red Indians, Vietnamese, Haitians, etc. It was a case of 'ship up or ship out', them Red Indies 'shipped out.' Our friends, the Zraleis, are very tolerant too, it is just the Palestinians who don't agree to living in rabbit holes. Now why would these Arabs want houses? That is for us civilized beings. I declare!