"What would you call a neoliberal, someone who vehemently supports free markets, but at the same time is employed by a public sector entity - and that too an entity which is operating in the social sector." What surprised the Assistant more than the absurdity of the question, was that this particular debate was initiated by Greybeard. Perhaps one reason could be that Fatman was fully occupied in devouring an oversized serving of cake.

"Why would we want to waste time thinking about trivial matters?" Sith Lord shook his head in exasperation.

"Well, primarily, because we are paid to think trivia: we are an economic think tank, are we not? And secondly, because that is bad optics and bad marketing. If you actually believe what you preach, you should practice it too. No?"

There was a general round of merriment at this, which was hazardous for Fatman, who almost choked on a gargantuan morsel of chocolate cake.

"Practicing what you preach is a rather old hat in this information age and the new economy. I actually wish I was a politician in current time," remarked Slimy with a sly grin, "they can get away with making promises that sound increasingly ridiculous."

"You have a point. In our case, even our lies have to make sense. On the other hand, it was a stroke of genius to add mathematics to economics. That way around, no one can make sense of what any economic theory proposes and how reality disposes it off, leaving enough scope to defend every variation - and that too mathematically." Greybeard offered with a rare smile.

"Which is exactly why I disagree with your notion," claimed Fatman, finally extracting himself from the now vanished cake and turning to look at Slimy. "Politicians deal in blatant lies, dressed up with any ratio or indicator that can be used to fool an ignorant public which knows shit-all about the economy. We, on the other hand, deal in lies carefully molded in the shape of truisms, supported by detailed models, case studies and research to fool a know-it-all intelligentsia - an intelligentsia that also knows fish all about the economy."

The Assistant had had enough, "It cannot be that no one knows anything about the economy!"

"Admittedly. But whoever he or she is, they refuse to come forward."

This time around the laughter was probably heard blocks away; the Assistant visibly sulked.

"So why, exactly, is it that workers' remittances went up?" Fatman directed this question towards the Assistant. "Ignore conjectures; any evidence that it had to do with any government policy? Or, beyond correlation, what is the evidence that restrictions on travelling due to the pandemic affected Hundi. Or where is the evidence that those having lost their jobs are sending their savings home?"

The Assistant was stumped.

"So" Fatman continued, finally taking his customary charge of the room, "If you don't know for sure why they increased, it logically follows that you cannot predict with any certainty how long the bonanza continues, or the necessary policy actions required to ensure that it continues."

"Yes, but..."

"Can you with, reasonable surety, give the exact population of the country, a number necessary for most economic action and policy decisions?" Fatman suddenly changed gears here: he was on a roll.

The Assistant was visibly slumped. After a momentary pause, all he could think to say was, "Would you like some more cake?"

"Always." Fatman was grinning from ear to ear. "But before you go on the most important quest of the day, always remember: the only certainty in this greed driven world is money in the bank."

The Assistant, disoriented and confused as he was, perhaps failed to pick up the significance of this seemingly insignificant prompt: money in the bank. He probably needed an accountant's training to understand the golden words - if it is not money in the bank, it does not exist. Fatman, for his part, decided not to elaborate; albeit, he was clear in his mind that most all the economic indicators floating around were not what he would call money in the bank.

"So what do you have against welfare?" He looked thoughtfully at Greybeard.

"Welfare is an abomination that corrupts free markets absolutely: free education, free health, free everything! Don't these fools realize that nothing is for free? No neoliberal in his right mind would be caught in public with his hand in that cookie jar." Greybeard would always get passionate about how taxes of any kind distorted market signals, and why the tax to GDP ratio should be low enough to force minimum government.

The Assistant was back with more slices of the chocolate cake, and, as he listened to them, he realized that the fact that economic debates never resulted in anything conducive or conclusive was, quite simply, money in the bank!

(The writer is a chartered accountant based in Islamabad. Email: syed.bakhtiyarkazmi@gmail.com. The views expressed in this article are personal. The views are not necessarily those of the newspaper)

Copyright Business Recorder, 2020