“I tire easily, suffer from bone and joint pain, excessive urination…” “It could be the smog in Punjab – wait, are you a Nawala or a Khanzadeh?”

“What do my symptoms have to do with my political affiliations?”

“Well, if you are a Nawala it’s possible that you suffer from parathyroid and…”

“I don’t have any desire to wear a uniform that I have not earned!”

“That’s such a partisan comment – if you are the chief executive of any province in the Land of the Pure you are entitled, I repeat, entitled, to wear the uniform of any service that operates under you.”

“De jure or de facto?”

“Don’t be facetious anyway there are only two countries where treatment is available and…”

“Someone told me that treatment is available in Pakistan as well…”

“Oh shut up, I meant, as you well know, where treatment is available in the shortlisted countries and Pakistan is not on the short list.”

“What about the mobile medical units at the expense of the Punjab taxpayers’…”

“Again shut up.”

“What if I am a Khanzadeh?”

“What the female of a Khanzadeh?”

“I reckon it’s gender-neutral.”

“OK, if you are a female Khanzadeh, then the ailment is a dose of Harpic in your food while in custody…”

“One question: those who take you in custody have access to the treasury which is funded by the taxpayers, so why do they use a household cleaning agent like Harpic whose effects are very slow rather than…”

“That’s a good question: perhaps the jailed hurled abuses at the jailers who then decided to take action without official sanction and the cheap and easy to access item was Harpic and so…”

“Don’t be facetious. What about platelets and…”

“That’s such a stupid question: I ask you if you are given a choice, which place of residence would you choose: a jail in Punjab under the administration of the Man Who Must Remain Nameless and Faceless or Avenfield flats…”

“Gotcha.”

Copyright Business Recorder, 2024