He drives me crazy. She makes me so mad. They rile me to hit back. His insolence makes my head go haywire. Her smirk irks me to kill her. What can I do but react as he constantly undermines my effort. I just have to…I am forced to…I did not want to but he made me so upset.
These are daily familiar phrases at home and at office as well. We are fuming, we are crying, we are screaming, we are dying inside. These are the typical human reactions when things are not going our way. Conflicting situations give rise to conflicting emotions.
Dealing with stressful situations where the stressor is a person who is either a family member or an office member is very testing and challenging. While most people become a victim of these stressors, a few manage to cope with them better.
The fact that life is a total sum of actions and reactions is a pretty mundane statement. As it should be. However, considering that our reactions and actions get us what we want and more importantly, also what we do not want is not taken seriously.
The ability to decide what action to take is dumbing-down of intelligence, experience, etc. True, human nature is such that whatever happens well in our lives, we love to attribute it to ourselves, while things that do not go well are usually attributable to others. This is the fundamental flaw of success.
The difference between react and respond is the difference between success and failure. Are the moods and feelings governing your life or are you governing your moods and feelings? The typical answer is that “how can a human not be emotional? We are not robots.” Absolutely correct.
To be emotional is human, but to choose to react or respond is what is truly human. A rush of blood, a wave of anger, and a bout of depression are normal. How you deal with them is what determines your humanity. Animals just react on stimuli, humans can do much better. It is that 90-second test. It is that 90 long seconds trial. Let us see how we create our own disasters and destinies:
- Looking within— The problem is most people have conveniently gone for the easier root of looking outside to find a scapegoat. That way they feel justified in feeling sorry for themselves, for not feeling guilty, for feeling relieved. The test of any temperament is when the environmental irritant in the form of a nasty boss, a sarcastic colleague, a nagging spouse, an arrogant customer makes the blood boil.
The brain is now dying to get a message from its two parts. The two parts of our brain that relate to emotions are the frontal cortex (thinking) and the amygdala (barking). The frontal cortex allows us to respond to a stimuli, while the amygdala provokes more of a reactionary response.
When the amygdala becomes active it spurs reactionary responses that let the mood take over. Tit for tat, fight or flight, let me settle the score mode reactions spur on. Reacting is acting without conscious thought. Settling scores immediately helps in obtaining a transitory relief but will lead to unintended consequences like a warning by the boss, a promotion postponed, a spouse who walks out, etc. Every person goes through these heated moments.
The successful person will look within and identify the triggers and learn to deal with them according to his own agenda. An unsuccessful person will look outside, feel a victim and start blaming his luck if nothing else. The first task to prevent disaster is to find the triggers that blow up the mind to crack up. Being aware of the triggers is half the battle.
- Creating space— The other half of the battle is to control the urges that are disastrous. Between the battle to lash out and to rein in the wild emotions there is only one effective strategy- create space. That is the 90-second principle. This is the research of Harvard-educated neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor.
She calls it the 90-Second Rule.
According to her study, it takes no longer than 90 seconds for stress hormones to flood and clear your system. When you feel outrage as a reaction to a situation, for example, adrenaline rushes through your body for up to 90 seconds, and then it’s gone.
But there is a catch. Our bodies stop producing stress hormones after 90 seconds only if we are able to pull our thoughts away from what stimulated the emotion to begin with. As long as we keep in the situation we will keep on reliving the moment and letting the adrenaline create an uproar hijacking the frontal cortex brain.
And the 90 seconds are very long in this time of brain storms. Thus the recommendation is to spend the 90 seconds by being an observer- take out your mobile and put on the stop watch and keep staring at it till the 90 seconds pass. This focus on the time than the crazy thoughts will also help the buzz in the brain to subside.
- Divert and distract— After the storm has hit its 90 second high, you may consider other brain diversion tactics. For example, get out of that room and do deep breathing. Do a backward count of 90. Go out and walk for 90 seconds. Water a plant.
Listen to your favourite song. Call a friend who makes you feel positive and funny. The whole idea is to dislift the amygdala and make the brain buzz fizzle out. That is the space that gives the frontal cortex the chance to start functioning.
When the noise in the brain dies down after 90 seconds and you start thinking about the new plants that can come up in the spring season, the ability to choose and then respond will be back. As logic and rationality is restored the consequences of the reaction start dawning on you.
Try it on your response to a nasty email by a customer. Write a reply and put it into the draft for an hour. Divert and come back and re-read. More often than not you will edit it as you realize that you may win over the argument but lose the customer.
The 90-second space is the difference between losing a customer, a loved one, a job or a relationship. Think about it, observe yourself, practice it and discover a more purposeful path to your destiny. All it takes is 90 seconds.
Copyright Business Recorder, 2025
The writer is a columnist, consultant, coach, and an analyst and can be reached at [email protected]
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