Failing to get along

It was an empty relationship. She just does not understand. He just does not listen. There were just too many differences. There was too much interference. He was too petty. She was too frivolous. These statements are echoing at home and in workplaces. Relationships have become breakable and disposable.

In a world of high stress, getting along has become the biggest challenge of life. Husband and wife cannot get along. Parents and children cannot get along. Boss and team cannot get along. Colleagues are unable to resolve conflicts. Neighbours are finding it difficult to coexist. Nations are constantly on each other’s nerves.

Human beings are made to connect, interact and belong. How you get along in life is how you get along in relationships. Contrary to this most of our lives are focused on how to get ahead in life. How to get what we want? How to make more with less? How to get the best of everything? These are good goals. These goals, however, will only be achieved if we are able to get along with the stakeholders who impact these goals.

At the cost of repetition I will say how you get along with others is how you get along in life. Some people call this networking, others call is socializing. But that applies to people you meet occasionally. What about people you live with. What about people you work with.

Many people maybe the biggest charmers socially and the biggest buggers personally. Many people maybe the most charismatic bosses in the office but the most problematic spouses at home. The fact of the matter is that personal relationships and professional relationships are at crossroads. Divorce rates are spiking in marriages. Engagement rates are crashing in companies. We must diagnose the real cause and find some treatment:

1- Seeing beyond and behind the apparent— In home places relationships are under severe crisis. Marriages are going through upheavals. The upper class and the lower classes have been more casual in their approach towards marriages.

The rich feel money and status gives them the licence of changing life partners easily and the poor are beset with illiteracy, inter marriages and family conflicts leading to divorces and multiple marriages. It was the middle class that embodied stability in formation of the family unit. This stability has undergone changes. The millennials and the Gen Z are not of the “together till death” era.

Their ability to get along with different people and differences is limited. They would rather leave than face and manage conflicts. In workplaces the situation is equally critical.

The recession and financial pressures are putting immense pressure to produce results. In order to achieve targets in a downturn, pressure is passed down the ranks. This then turns into stress and negativity. The ability to get along within teams is becoming more difficult. The ability to get along with other departments is becoming more rare.

The ability to get along with their bosses and vice versa is dipping. The problem is that nobody has the time to look beyond the obvious symptoms. Bosses do not bother to find out why this team member is not responding. The team member does not understand why the boss does not understand. This creates a distance that results in either being asked to quit or quitting themselves.

2- Managing expectations— In the last five years rates of divorce has increased by 35% in Pakistan. In Lahore this year 5,500 cases have been filed of divorce with 11,000 pending in the courts. These include both love and arranged marriages. The reasons are basically social intolerance and an expectation mismatch. Love marriages are based on feelings more than a thought- through process of dealing with the reality of living together. The social media and Netflix downpour of romance has created some false images and perceptions of what life is altogether. When reality of dealing with the daily grind of two people trying to get along with each other hits, they are not able to accept it as a pinch of salt.

The salt pinch turns toxic and then the blame game starts. In arranged marriages the couple hardly knows each other and thus forms expectations based on their exposure. Such hope-based relationships in any case will be vulnerable to reality shocks.

The middle class couple belongs to a TikTok generation where they feel they can see and voice their feelings. Girls feel that if they are economically empowered why should they put up with a not so great husband and interfering in-laws. The boy wonders that why is she not putting up with these issues the way his mother did. Thus goes on the conflict that leads to a fight and flight sequence.

3- Preparing and coaching— For the smallest change in life preparation is the key to help you manage it. For religion, children are sent to madrassahs to learn how to read religious books. Children are sent to school to learn to learn. In rural areas children if not sent to school are sent with elders to learn cattle rearing and handling. In the corporate world there are academies that groom new hires to learn how to deal with changing environment. Technical knowledge is provided to prepare the trainee for the corporate life.

However for the biggest change in life, that is marriage, the whole preparation is about functions, food and jewelry. Endless months and talks are done to what needs to be done and bought to make the event snazzy but zero preparation for what needs to be done for unprepared minds and hearts.

Parents avoid talking about the pitfalls that may happen and call it a “bura shagun”, i.e., bad omen. There are no real counselling schools available for pre-marital counselling.

Left on their own the couple is faced with multiple cultural shocks of two different minds meeting, two different families interacting, etc. These shocks in the absence of any preparation create reactive responses that lead to cracks in relationships. With absolutely no clue of how to deal with it, the smallest issues become irreconcilable differences.

Colleges and universities in Pakistan do not prepare students to step into practical life. Every corporate is complaining of how far removed our education is from workplace realities. The subject of business studies does prepare some grounds.

The training institutes try to fill this gap through interpersonal management and leadership courses. It is time for institutes and institutions to step in with formal training on “marital expectation management”.

Courses like ‘In-laws management’, dealing with parental stress, etc., should be part of a preparatory programme to at least make the dreamy minds come to terms with harsh realities. Harvard’s study on happy lives proves that those who had the ability to get along with others and develop healthy relationships were the ones who led more happy and contented lives. Instead of spending millions on preparation of décor and entertainment a few hundred thousand spent on preparation of how to get along with people you interact and live will perhaps produce happier minds and hearts.

Copyright Business Recorder, 2024