Either Commissioner Karachi, the right honourable Iftikhar Shalwani, is grossly underworked, or is living on steroids. How else do you explain the enormous creativity, a child of hours of serious reflection, which goes into adorning Karachi with all those Boards advertising the city's glory?
His choice of metaphors for Karachi should make the imaginative Commissioner the envy of copywriting profession. The crisp and inviting messages-on-the-board never fail to set you thinking; go searching for a slice of Karachi that has been so enticingly advertised.
Karachi the city of lights evokes a compelling nostalgia, the times when Karachi stayed up into late hours. It was the first in the country to install street lights, the first to garnish its well known hot spots with multi-coloured neon signs, the first to have an electricity utility (KESC) where supply exceeded demand. There were no power shutdowns to cast a shadow on Karachi.
Karachi the cricket city harkens you back to when more than half the national team consisted of players from Karachi; when even a club (Karachi Gymkhana) could boast of a good enough matting wicket to play Test matches on; when there were enough empty spaces for multiple teams of youngsters to pitch against one another on the same ground.
Karachi my kind of city is a testimony to people from all over the country making Karachi home. He who comes never leaves. There are perhaps more Pathans in Karachi than in KPK. All the Baloch sardars can be found within a one mile radius in Defence. And of course Karachi is Sindh; its shawl if not its head scarf.
You hear Urdu being spoken throughout the city but accented with Pushto, Saraiki, Memoni, Sindhi, Kashmiri overtones. You find better Kunna and Shab Degh and Murgh Chola in Karachi than where they originated from. The connoisseurs get the Chapli Kebabs from Namak Mandi flown in.
The indefatigable Commissioner is not the one to rest on his Boards. He proceeded to advise us of the real purpose of balconies: not for hanging out your laundry but to be bedecked with flowers.
He believes in leading from the front. We now see flower baskets perched on poles and ensconced on specially designed grills on roads leading to and from the Commissioner House. So what if these are cloth and not cut flowers. They can be washed when dust accumulates and replaced when they fade. Rest assured, our tax rupees get flowered and not let down the drain.
We are not as imaginative as the worthy Commissioner but his infectious energy prompts us to suggest some 'revisionist' Boards.
Karachi the two-speed city. Here the super rich and the indigent coexist. Rags sustain the riches and katchi abaadis spring up to service the mansions that envelope them. One set religiously holidays abroad; the other segment boasts of many on permanent holiday. One set complaints of the rising school fees the other pines for 'adopt-a-school'. Both have reduced their intake of tomatoes: one for reasons of affordability the other for reasons of choice: neither lobster thermidor nor filet mignon needs tomatoes.
One of the Commissioner's Boards celebrates Karachi as the twin city of Houston. The only thing in common between the two sprawling cities that we can think of is both need a mass transit system and neither has it.
Karachi the Freetown. The Commissioner has divided the metropolis into Downtown, Uptown, and Old town. What runs through all three is Freetown. Here you are free to do what you want. Throw rubbish, run traffic lights, spit (often the colourful variety) to your heart's content.
We may not decorate our balconies with flower pots but are free to decorate open spaces when nature comes a calling. The city doesn't believe in having public toilets. Why should it? The Prime Minister assures us petrol pumps have been ordered to provide the facility. Never mind if you have to hold it for half an hour or more to get to the petrol pump.
You can take over the sidewalks to 'expand' your shop, and any leftover space can be freely used to park motorcycles. You are equally allowed to plonk your generator on the pavement in this city of lights. Pedestrians are left to brave the traffic and encroachments as they thread their way through. And don't let it fool you - the real purpose of those expensive overhead walkways is not pedestrian safety or comfort. They are meant to provide more space for bill boards.
You are also at liberty to double park at random, come the wrong way, and overtake from whichever side you fancy. You are free to hog two lanes - the white divider is deemed to be a line of control that you straddle, allowing no one to overtake you.
Even stray dogs are free to roam the streets and hospitals under no obligation to stock anti-rabies vaccine. We came close to getting bitten in the Nisar Shaheed park yesterday, a sobering reminder of the city's many freedoms. Go to a police station, or a Cantonment Board, and you will see dogs on guard duty.
Karachi the infrastructure city. We hear we have an infrastructure development company for the city. We have little idea of what it does. All we know is its Chief Executive moonlights as Secretary Trade Development Authority. Meanwhile, we revel in our veritable moonscape. With all our potholes and speed breakers and cliffs of rubbish don't be surprised if one day a space craft lands on Quaid's Mazar to announce there is water on moon as it surveys the outflow from the burst sewerage lines.
Once upon a time we used to think a Commissioner was the Chief Executive of the Division. Today we really do not know what the Commissioner's job description is. We hope price control, a primer in ways to defy the laws of supply and demand, is not one of his functions.
We hear very good things about Commissioner Shalwani. We are told he is the last of the Mohicans, determined to make a difference. We wish him God speed.
If, per chance, the Editor finds this column a tad facetious we can always adapt the epitaph that FT columnist Robert Armstrong proposed for himself: "I can't believe I am reading this nonsense in the Business Recorder".
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